Education-
When I stopped avoiding and numbing so much, I had more time to devote to my growth. I’ve always been curious, and educating myself on what was happening (physically, emotionally, and behaviorally) was a crucial component on my path to empowerment. I started paying more attention to people that were talking about natural healing, took out books from the library, made notes, did self-reflection exercises, took free courses online, applied for scholarships for courses I couldn’t afford, and invested where I could. Most of my education has been ‘mesearch’ and it has taken tons of digging, and taking what resonates and applying it.
Learning is part of neuroplasticity-your brain's ability to rewire itself; so each time you’re learning something new, your brain is creating new neurons and making pathways stronger. Be curious and investigate!
Abstinence-
It took many years to realize that being hypersexual was something that stems from sexual trauma-before I learned that I felt shamed for even desiring sex, especially after all the things that had happened to me. It was confusing and ultimately I realized that my decisions around sexual activity were not being made from a healthy, consensual, or sober standpoint; so I made the conscious decision to shut down shop. I did this intermittently for awhile, and then it lasted several years-and it was another ‘best thing ever’ for my healing. It gave me time to process all the things I'd been through and time to appreciate my body for all the other ways it was a beautiful and useful tool for growth in my life. It gave me confidence, because saying No after so many years of meaning no was new, uncharted territory; and it was liberating as fuck! It felt so good to finally be the one in charge of what was happening to my body. It allowed me to recognize and trust red flags immediately, create and enforce boundaries, start having healthier relationships with people that were actually worthy of my time-and it made me feel incredibly powerful.
Masturbation-
Yes, I’m going there. The more I learned about trauma, and began to understand just how many years I’d spent out of my body because of dissociation, I realized how badly I wanted to connect with myself and feel safer (and more pleasurable) in my own skin. Because I was not numbing with drugs, I was eating cleaner, and feeling the beneficial effects of exercising-I was actually beginning to enjoy being in my body. Plus, abstinence was a huge chapter in my healing process-and a girl’s got needs! Masturbation is a healthy and safe way to reconnect with yourself-it also decreases stress, regulates your immune system, and produces the ‘feel good’ hormones (dopamine and oxytocin). One of the hardest parts about the sexual abuse recovery journey, that people rarely talk about, is how to start enjoying sex again after trauma. You will eventually want to have sex again, and you deserve to have safe, healthy, pleasurable sex-and masturbation is a great tool to understand what your body enjoys; spending this time getting to know what feels safe to you is crucial in being able to ask for what you like later!
Boundaries-
Boundaries are some of the most beautiful tools you can utilize to create the life of your dreams. In 2010 I heard the saying ‘when you say no to others you say yes to yourself’ and I ran with it-hard! First, I tried it on bosses. It wasn’t a big hit there because as you know, I’m now my own boss. I tried it on friends-a lot of those relationships are long gone. I started using it on my family. Let’s just say, my boundaries have pissed off a lot of people-but you know who’s living the healthier, happier life? Me. Looking back, most of those relationships stemmed from inappropriateness and lack of boundaries-many of those people benefitted from me bending over backwards and not being able to say no. Do I miss those people? Of course. Do I miss feeling like a doormat or that I have no voice in my own life? Not one bit!
Rocking the boat, having a different opinion, speaking up, saying no, refusing to be disrespected - it won’t win over a lot of people, but you can be confident it will win over the people that are meant to be in your life and the ones that will reciprocate your efforts.
No is a complete sentence. Learn it, love it, live it. Someone not liking your boundaries is their problem, not yours. If you want to come first in your life, and have a voice-it is your responsibility to put yourself there. Every time you use your voice, you heal that little girl that suffered in silence-you heal that woman that couldn't speak or fight back during her violations; you show another woman the way. Together, we rise.
Self Talk-
How you speak to yourself and the stories only you are privy to are Everything, and if you’ve experienced any type of abuse, neglect, loss-the things we tell ourselves can be downright excruciating.
If you are speaking to yourself in a way other than how you would talk to your most beloved friend (or a small child), I want you to step back and question: Who has spoken to you like this? Why do you believe these things?
Speaking to ourselves in a derogatory way is completely counterproductive to the healing process. You can’t hate yourself through this part and expect to be whole and loved on the other side. You can’t treat your physical and emotional body like trash, and expect the world from someone else. This part takes some time, some investigation, some reframing, some patience and ultimately, a lot of love. Love for the part of you that was injured/abused, love for all your former selves who didn't’ know better, love for this woman you’re becoming-who deserves more than engaging in self-harming rhetoric. Think of your future self-how does she speak to people?
Speaking Your Story-
When you start feeling safer in your skin, whey you have compassion for yourself and what you’ve endured, when you feel more confident in your truths-then telling your story will uncage you in a way that nothing else can. When you can stand tall and own your story, stand in your truth, even if your voice shakes, even if there are tears-then my dear, you have won! Silence breeds shame, anger, bitterness, helplessness; but truth is freedom from our captors. Truth is taking the reins in your life. There is no greater embodiment practice than using your choices and courageously speaking to give light to others.
20 years ago, I couldn't fathom telling anyone Anything. I Started small with snippets to friends, paragraphs to therapists, whole truths to my journals, sharing with other survivors out of comradery-I promise, it does get easier. This year I’ve done podcasts, interviews, a sexual trauma panel-my chest was achy, my hands were sweaty, my voice cracked and I almost cried; but I did it; and every single experience was incredibly liberating, exhilarating, and releasing. One of the best moments was when another panelist thanked me for showing up so authentically and speaking on such delicate subjects-she said she had been wanting to speak on the same things but was still too scared-seeing me do it helped her realize she could too one day. You can’t imagine how validating that felt-to know that my showing up helped another woman believe that she could too. Someone needs your story!
I know recovering from trauma is difficult, and I also know there are so many ways that you can invest in your healing journey, every day. I hope you take something from this that helps you. Challenge yourself to start implementing one or more of these, post about it and tag me! Remember, you are worthy of all the beautiful things!!