The first memories I have of a boy making me feel uncomfortable in my skin was one day at the end of recess; everyone else had scurried in after the bell rang. Scott eerily pushed me up against the brick wall and smiled when he told me he wasn’t letting me past without a kiss-on the lips. I looked around nervously, hoping someone would notice my situation, but everyone was too worried about getting inside. I didn’t call out for help, even though my stomach was churning. I could feel the bricks scratching the backs of my tiny arms and his excited energy blocking my escape. I was so scared of getting in trouble for being late, so I quickly kissed him and pushed past, anxious and determined to act as if nothing happened… I was 5 years old.
Around that same age, I again found myself being touched by a boy; an older boy, one that I knew well. He was invading my space, making me feel yucky and scared. I tried to ignore him. He kept going. I tried to push his hands away and say no... He said “don’t be a baby.” So, I tried to pretend that I was a big girl by pretending I was somewhere else, anywhere else. I don’t know which experience came first. I don’t know if I told anyone. I do know that I felt so much shame and desperation to be loved at this young age and that my relationship with touch, love & trust was misguided from the start.
Being afraid to speak up, and desperate to people please at every cost, became so ingrained in who I was throughout much of my life. I’m not even sure who I was before I was violated-or who I might have been had these things not happened to me; had I even a chance to just be innocent-to just be a baby.
These types of experiences continued into high school, where I was often in situations that I didn’t feel like I could stand up for myself. I began numbing and self-harming very young, to deal with both the anxiety of being in my body, the grief over not wanting to be violated, and the shame in the aftermath where I was slut-shamed by peers, who didn’t know the whole story.
In my early 20’s I was in a sexually and psychologically abusive relationship. At first, the sex seemed fun and adventurous-but I quickly realized it was both physically and emotionally damaging. I tried to be more careful, I tried to communicate that I didn’t like it, I tried to be prettier, I tried to not have sex with him when he was drunk, I tried to get away… He told me I was crazy, that I was his whore, that I wanted it because I stayed, and that no one would believe me. Besides, what was I complaining about-he didn’t hit me…
After years of enduring this cruel treatment by someone I thought loved me, I found the courage to leave. In my late 20’s, I encountered more acts of sexual assault (like being drugged and waking up to someone inside me), though in comparison they paled to my previous experiences. I didn’t initially understand that these were all violations, and that I was not to blame; so I spent so many years suffering in shame and silence.
In my 30’s, I decided that I absolutely refused to continue accepting these types of treatment from guys. While I’d done a few rounds of therapy, I wasn’t interested in using med’s to cope with my pain. It felt incredibly disempowering and disingenuous; and it didn’t actually help me progress-it just helped me numb. I didn’t need any help there-I had that covered! So, I set out on my own path-determined to feel safer in my skin, speak up for myself, and even thrive after all that I’ve been through! The following are just a few of the experiences that made a significant difference along my healing journey…
Massage Therapy-
I have been a massage therapist now for 20years...it feels awkward to even write that. Working in this field opened me up to a whole other realm of possibilities and healing modalities. We tend to give what we most need-and after 20yrs of unsafe/unloving touch, I needed to be in safe hands-and that’s where I not only ended up, but what I choose to provide to others in my career as Licensed Massage & Bodywork Therapist.
I understand how vulnerable it is to get on the table, how difficult it is to just stop and breathe, how freeing it can be to truly let go and let the tears flow. Creating that safe space for others has been an honor, and just as much healing for me as it has been for my clients.
Working in a spa with many other gifted therapists gave me the opportunity to get regular bodywork done, as well as open my body up to a world of therapeutic touch that relieved both my muscles and soul of others' cruelty.
I often had flashbacks during my massages, and eventually I even felt safe enough to have an emotional release during and after my massages (an intense and therapeutic cry). This is totally normal when receiving bodywork-trauma resides in our tissues and that’s a big reason why we are seeing talk therapy fall short of truly helping people progress in their healing journey. Getting massages allows for a release of pent up emotions, and also helps us learn to feel safer in our skin (more embodied). It helped me work through PTSD by retraining my body to receive safe and healthy touch. It encourages us to speak up and communicate what level of pressure we like, what areas we enjoy being massaged, and also where we don’t feel comfortable being touched, so it’s a great tool for boundary work and using your voice.
Massage has tremendous benefits for your body and mind-it decreases blood pressure, stress and anxiety; increases circulation, relaxation and immunity. If you’ve never had a massage, I would encourage finding someone trauma-informed, and don’t be embarrassed to let them know that you’ve experienced unsafe touch. There are many different types of massage available, and you can even start receiving sessions fully clothed or getting work done just on your hands, feet & scalp. When you find a therapist you feel comfortable with you won’t understand how you went so many years without it-it’s addicting!
Nutrition & Exercise-
Two of the most impactful tools that I use daily in my healing journey are nutrition and movement. What we consume on a daily basis has the most significant impact on our emotional wellness and embodiment; food can be medicine, Or not; it can be used as a tool for embodiment, or a tool for numbing. Limiting processed foods is imperative for mental health and physical well being-and for anyone with a history of trauma this is especially important, as you could potentially have higher inflammation levels-and unclean, processed foods exacerbate inflammatory conditions. Eating clean has been a lengthy and enlightening journey, as has my devotion to moving my body regularly. How you are using your body is just as important as what you’re putting in it. Moving daily, whether it’s walking, swimming, biking, weights, HIIT- just doing something is so beneficial. As I stated earlier, trauma resides in our body (where we thought we could stuff it deep down and it wouldn’t bother us). Moving it Out is essential in the healing process.
Volunteering-
At times, we can feel utterly helpless in this world. Witnessing the pain of others, and trying to keep our own at bay can all feel so overwhelming, and sometimes we forget that no matter how small it seems, we can each contribute positively to this world. My advocating is about showing kids they don’t have to let their circumstances define them, it’s a way to help give a child something I wish I’d had-an adult with a voice that only had my best interest at heart. 10years ago I volunteered as a youth mentor with teen girls in a rock climbing program that encouraged healthy boundaries, refusal skills, proper hygiene, self worth work, etc-it was a program for at-risk youth. I saw my younger self in so many of those little ladies and did my best to instill wisdom in each of them. That experience made me stand in my truth. It forced me to show up in scary ways, as does my current position as a child advocate, now working with children displaced due to charges of neglect/abuse against their caregivers. I am literally their voice in court, speaking on what’s in their best interest, which means I work alongside attorneys & social workers, I am privy to the most heartbreaking details of their young lives; I am sometimes the only constant they have in their life. I get called on the stand to testify and this role forces me to push past my fear of speaking up-and it has helped me become Much more confident in my own life! I know what it is like to feel helpless because of your parents choices and that is why I’m such a fierce advocate for them. Don’t let the news get you down-take your experiences and figure out how you can contribute something positive to your community. Paying it forward is the Best feeling!
Numbing-
One of the hardest but most necessary choices I made several years ago was to stop using drugs as a crutch for my pain. I had quite the love affair with alcohol, a strong affection for pills, and I smoked a bowl every night around 11pm just to make myself calm down and stop. All of these not only delayed my healing by numbing and disconnecting me from my body-but they just added to so many more layers of trauma in the form of lack of boundaries, inability to speak up confidently, depression, self-sabotaging; not to mention what these things did to my liver and the rest of my organs. Using substances to try to get past my pain ultimately led to unsafe situations where I was again psychologically and sexually traumatized. I knew I had to replace these negative habits with more productive and fulfilling choices, even if it felt like the world was crashing down on me-especially because it felt like the world was crashing down on me. We should be able to just sit with ourselves. All the feelings I’d avoided for so many years were invading every part of me-but I was determined to not feel like something else had more power over me than I did myself.
I went to the bookstore, I bought coloring books, I committed to early gym sessions and the steam room at night; I swam, I walked, I took evening drives. I wanted to numb and I thought about it daily, but I got real with myself about how the choices I was making around numbing was me continuing to self harm and damage myself over people who had long since moved on. I thought of the woman I wanted to be, the woman I deserved to be and I knew I had to make different choices to become her. I do still have drinks now and then, but my relationship with numbing substances has changed immensely. I don’t seek them out as a way to cope, I instead indulge in celebration when the time feels right, not when I’m trying to escape something.
I hope you’re able to take something from this list, and if you have any questions be sure to reach out, I’d love to hear from you! Stay tuned for Part 2 where I continue this important list of how to heal sexual trauma naturally!